Well, my period showed up last night. You'd think I'd be on top of the world since I was waiting for it. But I just got so sad. I cried for over an hour and I wasn't even sure why I was crying.
I figured it out though.
I remember when we first started trying to conceive. I was talking to a friend on the phone and saying how we'd try on our own and the most I'd do is fertility drugs but we'd NEVER do IVF or IUI. I was adiment (sp?) that we would not go that far nor spend all that money on having a baby.
Almost 3 years later, look where I'm at. Getting ready to hand $23,000 for IVF and we have to have $4600 in the bank for the meds, and tests not covered in our plan. $27,600!! Amazing how 3 years can change things.
Anyway, I guess part of me really never thought I'd be at this point. I never truely believed we'd be doing IVF. I'm scared and I'm angry.
I was really hoping that I'd miraculously be pregnant this month. That we'd save all that money and that we COULD make a baby naturally. But nope. I was crushed when my period showed.
Now, we will spend all that money. I will have to do injections that will totally screw with my hormones. I will have to go through MORE painful procedures. And there really is still no Guarantee that I will be able to get pregnant. This is my last chance for a baby.
That's so scary to me. I'm so scared my body will not let me get pregnant. I'm scared that my husband will hate the "Hormonal" me. What if we fight all the time while on these drugs. What if it doesn't work? I don't think I could handle that. I think I would die of a broken heart.
My head is spinning. I want to throw up. I'm not sure I can do this.
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4 comments:
From all that I have read, the meds are not nearly as bad as femera, clomid, or anything you have had to take. So dont' worry about Russ not liking hormonal you.
But I understand wanting to beat the odds and have it happen, and save the fear and the financial cost. I am still in denial that I am unable to have a baby on my own.
And yeah. I get the last shot fear. Though I am finding now that I am heading this way that I think I would live if it doesn't work. It will just be different.
Anyway, hopefully once the check is cashed, and you are on your way you will be able to smile.
xoxo
You can do it Barb. You and Russ want this so badly that raging hormones won't change anything. Just keep thinking about what the outcome WILL be, not what you have to do leading up to that.
You are going to be such a wonderful mother, I have faith in that and faith that it will be soon.
update on apt please!!! ;)
LOL! Ok.
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