Sad

Went to the Dr for a Beta test yesterday. It was a BIG FAT NEGATIVE. I was a mess. Thank gooodness I didn't find out until after work. I really thought I could handle it. I thought for sure, I'd be sad but fine. I was wrong. I was a basket case. Poor Russ. He was so excited about this cycle. He really thought I was pregnant and not only did he have to deal with the dissapointment, but he had to deal with me (his basket case wife).
We were planning on trying for 6 more months and then moving on to IVF, however, Russ suggested last night that we try for 3 months instead. He doesn't me to have to go through this much longer. I'll be starting my 30th month this week. 30 Months of trying to make a baby. Sounds ridiculuos doesn't it. When do you give up. When do you decide that God just doesn't think you should be parents. I would be excited to start IVF, but at the same point, that's it. The end of the road. What if THAT doesn't work? Then that's it. We'd be done with trying to make a baby of our own. That's kind of scary.

This month we probably won't be able to do a monitered cycle since I'll be in NY on CD3. I don't believe they will moniter my cycle without a CD3 ultrasound. So, we'll really be trying all on our own this month. I'll have to start temping because I need to know when I ovulate. That's important to me. I'll start taking my vitamin b6 again and hope that speeds up my ovulation day. I've been praying for a long time, and that just doesn't seem to work, so not sure I'll include praying in my plan this month.

I so badly want to STOP thinking about Trying to Conceive. I dont want to think about ovulation. I don't want to feel every pinch or pain in my lower body and wonder, what was that?, I've never felt that before, Maybe I'm pregnant. I don't know how to remove those thoughts. They've been a part of my life so long, I don't know how to remove them from my head. That's the suckiest part.

Well, sorry for this depressing blog entry.

This sums it up today

A friend of mine posted this on our forum today, and it really hit home for me.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JqfGqOx2iDQ

I thank god everyday for the online friends I've made during this struggle. It's a very lonely feeling going through this and having people who understand (because they've been there) makes every day seem a little more tolerable.

A little bit busy!

This weekend was very Busy!

Russ is in NY hunting, and my parents and sister are out of town at an Elks Lodge Convention (geeks!). Anyway, that meant I got Kayla (my niece) for the weekend. I had no idea a six year old could wear my ass out, but she did! Not her really, just everything we did. I made a lot of plans for us.

Friday Night:

We went to walmart to get some games to play later and some pumpkins to paint. Then we went to see my friend Sarah and her twins. Kayla just adored them. Cole was a little fussy and Bryce was his normal calm happy self. I asked if Kayla wanted to help me steal Cole, she no, lets take Bryce, he's quieter. LOL! She's a smart girl!

After we left Sarah's, we went to Mr. Ghatti's (a pizza buffet aimed at kids). The food is usually horrible, but it was pretty good this time. It only cost $3 because I had a coupon for a free adult buffett and Kayla is only 6, so she ate for $3. Nice! They have a big game room in the back, so of course I dropped $10 there. But hey, $3 for dinner, I had no problem giving her $10 for games!

After dinner we went home and painted pumpkins and played Connect 4. She kicked my ASS! Like 6 times! I won once. I've never been good at that stupid game!

Saturday:

We got up, watched a movie and then I cleaned the kitchen while she played Webkins on the computer. After that we went to Lunch at McDonalds. Not nearly as cheap as our Mr. Ghatti's, but not bad. Then we went to the Halloween festivle in Salisbury. They have a bunch of games kids can play and they get candy each time. Then you walk around Down Town Salisbury and all the little shops hand out candy. She got a ton of candy. She doesnt' even eat candy! Then she played in the bouncy room. Here are some pics............

After our fun day out, we got home and had dinner. Then we played Uno Attack! I kicked HER butt on that. We had fun though. We got addicted to it and played for about 1 1/2 hours.

Then she took a bath and we went to bed.

Sunday:

Got up and took Kayla back to her moms and headed to Reach for my bloodwork and Ultra sound. My largest follicle was 13mm. Not nearly big enough. They need to be 22-24mm. The dr thought maybe I alread ovulated, however, I informed him that I don't normally ovulate until CD18-24, so he said looks like that's when it's going to happen again. So, now I'm waiting for them to call me to give me my next step. They have to check my bloodwork and then I"m assuming they'll send me for another ultra sound this week sometime.

So, it was basically a big waste of time.

Now I'm home doing laundry and waiting for Russ to come home. His plane gets in around 8:30pm and then he has about an hour drive home. So, I won't see him until late:(

Well, that's it for now!

I'll try to update more often. It's just been so busy, I haven't had much time.

SO EXCITING!!

So, I went to my appointment this morning! Got the blood work done and the Internal Ultra sound. The Dr said my insides look FABULOUS!! And my blood work came back good. Which means tonight I get to start taking my Letrozole. OMG!! I'm taking Fertility meds. I've only wanted to do that for like a YEAR!!

So, I'll take this for the next 5 days. Then on Sunday, October 28th, I go back for more blood work and another Ultra Sound. Then they will probably tell me the size of my follicles and tell me when to do my trigger shot (the shot that pops the egg out!) and then I'll start progesterone creme. OMG! Seriously??? I HAVE A PLAN!!!! A PLAN!!! Did you hear me??? A FREAKING PLAN!!!! I am SO going to get pregnant!!!

Phew, I need to calm down. I'm crazy with excitement.

Ok, so Russ and I had a date night of a different kind! We decided to carve pumpkins together. It was really fun. I tried to take pictures, but my camera battery was dead:(

However, I did get some pics of the pumpkins when we finished. I took them with my camera phone, so they are not the greatest. But here they are.

This is Russ's Pumpkin:

Here is my Pumpkin:

Well, I'm off to watch Friday Night Lights!!!

Hope you all have a good night!!!

Love & Baby Dust!!

Halloween Decor

Wow! What a Day!!

I woke up this morning and guess who showed up....................AF!!! Woo Hoo! I was so excited I was doing a happy dance in the shower!! Plus, I had NO cramps or anything. I thought this is great! Got to work around 8am and at 8:30, my lower back started killing me. Then around 9am, the cramps started. It hurt so bad I wanted to throw up. So, once my assistant came in at 10am, I went home. Took 3 tylenol put a heating pad on my belly and laid down for an hour or so. Felt good around 12, so I went back to work. Then I just got so tired. Like I could fall asleep right there. Around 4pm the cramps came back, so I'm home lying on my couch. I don't care though. I'll take the pain!!


I emailed my RE nurse and told her my good news!! She called me in a prescription to walgreens for Femara. Then she ordered my Ovidrel and Crinone through her specialty pharmacy (cheaper, My insurance does not cover the Ovidrel). On Friday, I go for my bloodwork and Ultra sound. If everything looks good, I can start the Femara. Then I guess I'll get more ultrasounds to check out my follicles and then do a trigger shot when they get big. Then I'll use the crinone (progesterone creme). Wow! Yesterday I felt like I was stuck and not going anywhere with this getting pregnant thing and now I'm like holy crap, now I'm moving right along!!! It's crazy.

Well, I'm getting all crampy again. I need to lay down. Maybe I'll post more later.

Where IS she?? Seriously??

Ok, where is AF??? Why is she hiding?? I can feel her coming. I know she's right around the corner, but she just refuses to make an appearance. It's like she's watching me and laughing at me. Doing a happy dance about my suffering . She's just very evil. VERY evil!!

However, then once she shows up, I have all new fears. Like what if I go on this Letrozol and Ovidrel and I don't ever get pregnant. What if after 6 months of trying Russ won't let us do the IVF like he promised. Or worse, what if we do IVF 6 times and it doesn't work. I know it's crazy to worry about all this stuff now, but I have to be honest, I don't see myself ever getting pregnant. It makes me so sad sometimes. Then I have to be my own cheerleader and cheer myself up. Sometimes I go online and search for uplifting pregnancy stories. Sometimes it works, sometimes it makes it worse. I can't talk to Russ about this because he doesn't get it. He just says "We're doing everything we are supposed to be doing. You'll get pregnant. You just need to stop being so negative". I'm not trying to be negative. I'm trying to stay somewhat realistic. What if it never happens? I hate not knowing. I hate things in life that I have no control over. It stresses me out. Ok, I need to stop talking about this now. It's kind of depressing.


So the Elks Lodge had a community garage sale the other day. I brought all the stuff I packed up when we moved that I wanted to get rid of. I made $115. Not bad for 3 hours worth of work eh? Then I went shopping for a new pair of fall boots. Well, I ended up spending all $115 PLUS the $25 I had in my wallet. However, I got..................2 pair of boots, 5 long sleeve v-neck shirts, a pair of Levis, 2 sweaters, a belt (reversable) and a pair of slippers. Nice eh? The most amazing part.........................I did NOT buy ANY pink!!! That's a first in years. I bought all browns and off whites. Fall colors. I was all excited to get to wear some stuff this week but the temps went back to the upper 80's. Damn!

Well I need to get some work done. I just hadn't posted in awhile and wanted to check in.




(Oh......Russ is going to be so mad I posted his picture on here;)

LOL!!!

Tastefully Simple

Have you ever been to one of these parties??? OMG! They are GREAT!!!
First off, there is NO speeches. The consultant barely even speaks. The whole time, all she does is pass food around for you to try. And all you do is eat and chat.

The food is great. It's basically dips, breads, soups, and seasonings. And everything takes 2 or less ingredients. They have a Beer Bread that all you do is pour a can of beer in it and bake it!!! It's so good. It's sweet. They also have a potatoe soup and a rice soup both are DELICIOUS. Then, one thing that I thought I would NEVER like, Black Bean Salsa, I loved it!! She poured it over cream cheese and passed it around with crackers. OMG! it wsas great!!!

I spent $76!!! AND I booked party so I could get MORE!!

I think my favorite part of it was the fact that there were no speeches, no selling. The food sold itself so no need for the consultant to speak. It was so relaxing. It was just like a social get together with snacks!!

Anyway, I just wanted to pass that on. This is NOT like Candle parties and pampered chef parties so if you ever get an invite....................GO!! You won't regret it. Trust Me!!

5 YEARS!

Today was my 5 year Anniversary at Arch Tech. (My Dad's Company). Wow! Doesn't seem like I've been in NC that long. I love it here though. And I love working for my dad. It was a little hard the first couple years, but we've come along way.

Today when I came in there was a card on my Keyboard. It was a card from my Dad thanking me for 5 years. He wrote a really sweet message in it. Then he gave me a $300 bonus and another week of vacation. So now I have 4 weeks of paid vacation. I don't even use my 3 weeks now because Russ only has two weeks of vacation. However, I think I'm going to start taking some long weekends to help use it up.


I'm still waiting on AF to show up. I've still got sore BB's and cramping on and off. I'm sure she'll be here in about a week. I'm just so anxiousl to start TTC again it's making me crazy!! I just wish she'd get here already!!


I saw a horrific accident today. A 21 year old guy ran a red light and smashed into a dump truck at about 55 MPH. I didn't see the actual accident. it happened in front of my bank and I was at the bank about 20 minutes after the accident. The truck was mutilated. You couldn't even tell it was a truck until they loaded it on the flat bed and I saw the tailgate (the only recognizable thing on the truck). It made me ill to see it. I felt so bad. It's amazing that a split second decision like that could end your life. I mean, I'm sure he was not thinking that he could die if he ran that red light. He was just thinking he didn't feel like stopping. It's so sad. I can't imagine what his family is going through. Not to mention how this will effect the Dump Truck driver. It wasn't his fault, but being involved in an accident that took a life could really mess you up.

Well, Greys Anatomy is starting!! I must go now! Have a Great Night!

Vacation Pics

OK! Here are the pics! Now, let me tell you, this took forever to upload, so they are not in any paticular order. I did not feel like rearranging them. So, here they are!!!!

Here is Russ & Jeramy golfing. I realize it looks like Russ is about to drive a golf ball in Jeramy's ass, but really he was just doing a practice swing;)

Here is Russ posing with a Big Fish at the Marsh

Here is Russ and Jeramy playing Shuffleboard. My new FAVORITE game.

Here is me and Russ playing shuffleboard

Cute Seagull

Scenic Picture of the Marsh Walk

Russ & Jeramy Golfing

Hanging out before Dinner

Our Fridge the first night. We had no room for food,so we had to go OUT to dinner

Pretty Flower

Hungry Fish at the Boardwalk

Crabs some Lady and her Father Caught at the Marsh Walk

Hanging Out again before Dinner

Me and Russ at the Marsh Walk

Joe & Robin

Karen & Jeramy

Karen & Robin

Joe, Jeramy, and Russ

View from our Condo