Sad

Went to the Dr for a Beta test yesterday. It was a BIG FAT NEGATIVE. I was a mess. Thank gooodness I didn't find out until after work. I really thought I could handle it. I thought for sure, I'd be sad but fine. I was wrong. I was a basket case. Poor Russ. He was so excited about this cycle. He really thought I was pregnant and not only did he have to deal with the dissapointment, but he had to deal with me (his basket case wife).
We were planning on trying for 6 more months and then moving on to IVF, however, Russ suggested last night that we try for 3 months instead. He doesn't me to have to go through this much longer. I'll be starting my 30th month this week. 30 Months of trying to make a baby. Sounds ridiculuos doesn't it. When do you give up. When do you decide that God just doesn't think you should be parents. I would be excited to start IVF, but at the same point, that's it. The end of the road. What if THAT doesn't work? Then that's it. We'd be done with trying to make a baby of our own. That's kind of scary.

This month we probably won't be able to do a monitered cycle since I'll be in NY on CD3. I don't believe they will moniter my cycle without a CD3 ultrasound. So, we'll really be trying all on our own this month. I'll have to start temping because I need to know when I ovulate. That's important to me. I'll start taking my vitamin b6 again and hope that speeds up my ovulation day. I've been praying for a long time, and that just doesn't seem to work, so not sure I'll include praying in my plan this month.

I so badly want to STOP thinking about Trying to Conceive. I dont want to think about ovulation. I don't want to feel every pinch or pain in my lower body and wonder, what was that?, I've never felt that before, Maybe I'm pregnant. I don't know how to remove those thoughts. They've been a part of my life so long, I don't know how to remove them from my head. That's the suckiest part.

Well, sorry for this depressing blog entry.