UPDATE on IVF Appt!

The appointment went well. Actually, we almost left because they left us waiting for so long. However, the Dr more then made up for it when he saw us. He was extremely informative and very funny!!

After going over our records and asking us some questions, he said we are perfect canidates for IVF and their Shared Risk Program. He figures the reason we havent gotten pregnant yet was because of my endo. He said even with having all my endo removed, chances are we will not conceive naturally. He said endo is very destructive and causes problems that we are not aware of. Anyway, he sounds very positive about it.

Tomorrow the financial lady will call me and we'll go over all the financial. Then we'll go to greensboro to meet with another lady who will give us the IVF education. Indcluding shot classes, etc. When AF shows up (in the next day or two) I have to go back on Lupron (ugh!!!), but just for one month. Then birth control for 2 weeks. In those 6 weeks, we'll get any lab work and testing done that is required for the IVF (i.e. Hepetitius, HIV, etc). Then before I start my injectables, I'll have to have a saline ultra sound and if all is good, let the SHOTS begin!! So, I'm thinking Mid to end of March will be our first IVF.

I'm excited to know we're getting started, but I hate the thought of the Lupron again. He said I have to do the Lupron becuase of my previous endo. I'm excited about the plan. I have an IVF PLAN!!!! I'll be MORE excited once I know exactly what tests we need and once our financials are approved.

Wish me Luck!!

She Quit!!

My assistant quit!!!

YAY! Now I don't have to fire her. She was really bad. Couldn't remember crap. Always on personal calls, always late. Always wanting time off. It was crazy. The problem was that she was a member of the Elks lodge and a friend of my parents. Well not really a friend, but they see her around a lot. So even though they said I should fire her, I felt bad. So I just put up with it. Well she's getting a divorce and needed a full time job so she quit!!!She tried to give me a notice, but I told her don't worry about it. She's only working tomorrow to help me clear some things up and then I'm on my own.I'm not hiring anyone else. I'll just do the job myself. If I stay organized and caught up, it will be a piece of cake. I may have to work a few Saturdays, but that's ok. Also, not sure if I'll ever get a vacation again.

I had my last Thereapy appointment last night. It was great. I always leave there feeling so good. She was supposed to Hypnotize (sp?) me and record it to listen too when I get stressed. However, we started talking about Russ. He's been a real bear lately and so we talked about how to deal with his moods. She gave me some really good techniques to use. According to her, I have a very imaginative mind and I can use it to my advantage. The techniques she showed me are easy and we practiced some of them. She said I could use them anytime for any problem really. I told her that I thought the program was a little wierd when she first told me about it, but I thanked her for getting me out of my funk and teaching me how to use my mind!!

My IVF consult is in TWO DAYS!!! I can't wait to have a plan. Realistically, I figure we won't actually do the IVF for a 2-3 months. By the time we do all the tests we'll have to do to be accepted into the shared risk program and then if I have to go on the pill or anything, who knows. But that's ok. I'm taking it one appt at a time. Right now I'm concentrating on Thursday and getting our time line started.Tonight Russ and I are watching Johnny Dangerously! I love that movie. I haven't seen it in years, but I love it. I thought of it the other day and ordered it off Amazon.com and I got it today so we are watching it tonight. I also ordered 4 more books. The next 4 in the J.D. Robb series. I'm waiting for them to get here. I really need them since there is NOTHING on TV. I know they shipped, so hopefully they'll be here this week. Well, I guess thats enough of an update for now.

More tomorrow!!!

Have a great night!!

Wierd Dreams

Last night I had the strangest dream. Usually, I don't even remeber my dreams. The ones I do remember are ALWAYS about a tornado or a plane dropping out the sky and exploding 100ft from me (these started after 9/11).
Anyway, last night I had this very long dream and it did NOT involve a tornado or an exploding plane.It started out that we were at our new fertility clinic. We were waiting in the lobby to see the dr. The dr came out and asked if she could see me in her office. So I went in there and she did a breast exam on me and "hmmmm that's what I thought". She said you have some lumps and we'll need to do a biopsy. Well, in my dream, i wasn't freaked out about it being cancer. I told her that my mom used to get cysts all the time and I'm sure that's all it was. Well, she looked concerned and said I'll get you the test results as soon as possible. Well, then in my dream Russ and I were just waiting and waiting for the results. In my head was making myself believe that they were just cysts, but I was kind of scared of what if it wasn't. What if it was cancer.Anyway, the Dr went to some other office and forgot about us. So Russ and I drove to the other office and waited longer, then I woke up. So I have no idea if I had cancer or cysts. This was so odd. I never dream things like this.
I do think I know where it comes from tho. Ever since I've been on this Femara (which by the way is a breast cancer medicine) my boobs have been extremely sore during the 2ww and they feel really wierd. Like if I press on them, they don't feel right. They feel hard and lumpy. However, a day or two before AF shows, they go right back to normal. So I think this is where the dream came from. Freaked me out though. I don't like dreaming of stuff like that. It seemed so real.

On to other news. I got all the Christmas decorations down outside and inside. Well, alll but the snowflakes hanging from the roof. Russ will have to do those. I don't like ladders. After I got all the decorations down, I spent 4 hours cleaning my house from top to bottom. Scrubbing EVERYTHING.Feels so good to have my house back. And no Major decorating until OCTOBER!!!! Woo Hoo!!!Well, need to get ready to watch Desperate Housewives!! Have a good night!

Back to Normal...........Sort of

It's Saturday and I'm doing laundry and getting ready to go bowling. Ahhhhh............life is getting back to normal. Tomorrow I'll clean and watch football. It feels good to not have to go anywhere or do anything special. Just life back to normal. Yay!

The part that's not back to normal (and I pray never is) is my attitude. I decided after my 2nd appointment at the Therapist that I was NOT going to wish my life away anymore. No more charting and obsessing about getting pregnant. I don't even know where the last 3 years of my life has went. I barely remember a thing about it.So, after that appointment I decided no more rushing or obsessing. Then, after the new year, I decided I was going to enjoy everyday. Truely enjoy it. I went back to work Wednesday. And Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday were HELL! But I smiled the whole day. I just reminded myself that I woke up breathing today, I have a job, I have a lot of love in my life, I have a great house, etc, etc, etc. This is really NOT like me at all! But I LOVE the new me. I love feeling good. Russ and I got in a fight the other day, well he got all angry and yelling over nothing, and I simply siad, "I will not deal with you this way". I went upstairs and read my book for 3 hours. Felt great. I didn't let that ordeal ruin my night. I didn't immediately go to the fridge and grab a beer. I didn't feel the need to fight back and prove my point. I just decided that life is too short to waste precious time saying mean stuff and arguing over things that just really don't matter.
I don't know how long and if this new attitude will last, but it feels so good. I feel good. I feel light and content and happy. Ok, I'll stop going on and on about this. I'm sure some of you are thinking I'm a whack job! Maybe I am. But I don't care.

In other news, I'm so done with my old fertility clinic. The Dr left out a bit of information regarding some of our tests that I found to be important in Russ and I's decision making. It may affect anywhere from 5-10%, but it's the point that I paid $250 for a consult with this Dr who said everything was fine and we should have no problem getting pregnant on our own. However, he did not give all the info to us. I found out when I asked for a copy of our medical records. I spent all day emailing the nurse trying to get some answers. I SHOULD have been able to ask the Dr all these questions back in JUNE when he got the results, but HE decided it was of no importance to inform us. Well, he just lost $25,000, sicne I will NOT go back there for my IVF.I do have an appointment on Thursday the 10th at the new Fertility clinic. I'm excited. I'm going to inform them that due to my old Dr's screw up that I will want copies of all the notes and test results from all my appointments. I'm NOT going to be blindsided again.

Well, I have to go get in the shower and clean myself up. Hope you all have a great day!!

Sad

Went to the Dr for a Beta test yesterday. It was a BIG FAT NEGATIVE. I was a mess. Thank gooodness I didn't find out until after work. I really thought I could handle it. I thought for sure, I'd be sad but fine. I was wrong. I was a basket case. Poor Russ. He was so excited about this cycle. He really thought I was pregnant and not only did he have to deal with the dissapointment, but he had to deal with me (his basket case wife).
We were planning on trying for 6 more months and then moving on to IVF, however, Russ suggested last night that we try for 3 months instead. He doesn't me to have to go through this much longer. I'll be starting my 30th month this week. 30 Months of trying to make a baby. Sounds ridiculuos doesn't it. When do you give up. When do you decide that God just doesn't think you should be parents. I would be excited to start IVF, but at the same point, that's it. The end of the road. What if THAT doesn't work? Then that's it. We'd be done with trying to make a baby of our own. That's kind of scary.

This month we probably won't be able to do a monitered cycle since I'll be in NY on CD3. I don't believe they will moniter my cycle without a CD3 ultrasound. So, we'll really be trying all on our own this month. I'll have to start temping because I need to know when I ovulate. That's important to me. I'll start taking my vitamin b6 again and hope that speeds up my ovulation day. I've been praying for a long time, and that just doesn't seem to work, so not sure I'll include praying in my plan this month.

I so badly want to STOP thinking about Trying to Conceive. I dont want to think about ovulation. I don't want to feel every pinch or pain in my lower body and wonder, what was that?, I've never felt that before, Maybe I'm pregnant. I don't know how to remove those thoughts. They've been a part of my life so long, I don't know how to remove them from my head. That's the suckiest part.

Well, sorry for this depressing blog entry.

This sums it up today

A friend of mine posted this on our forum today, and it really hit home for me.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JqfGqOx2iDQ

I thank god everyday for the online friends I've made during this struggle. It's a very lonely feeling going through this and having people who understand (because they've been there) makes every day seem a little more tolerable.

A little bit busy!

This weekend was very Busy!

Russ is in NY hunting, and my parents and sister are out of town at an Elks Lodge Convention (geeks!). Anyway, that meant I got Kayla (my niece) for the weekend. I had no idea a six year old could wear my ass out, but she did! Not her really, just everything we did. I made a lot of plans for us.

Friday Night:

We went to walmart to get some games to play later and some pumpkins to paint. Then we went to see my friend Sarah and her twins. Kayla just adored them. Cole was a little fussy and Bryce was his normal calm happy self. I asked if Kayla wanted to help me steal Cole, she no, lets take Bryce, he's quieter. LOL! She's a smart girl!

After we left Sarah's, we went to Mr. Ghatti's (a pizza buffet aimed at kids). The food is usually horrible, but it was pretty good this time. It only cost $3 because I had a coupon for a free adult buffett and Kayla is only 6, so she ate for $3. Nice! They have a big game room in the back, so of course I dropped $10 there. But hey, $3 for dinner, I had no problem giving her $10 for games!

After dinner we went home and painted pumpkins and played Connect 4. She kicked my ASS! Like 6 times! I won once. I've never been good at that stupid game!

Saturday:

We got up, watched a movie and then I cleaned the kitchen while she played Webkins on the computer. After that we went to Lunch at McDonalds. Not nearly as cheap as our Mr. Ghatti's, but not bad. Then we went to the Halloween festivle in Salisbury. They have a bunch of games kids can play and they get candy each time. Then you walk around Down Town Salisbury and all the little shops hand out candy. She got a ton of candy. She doesnt' even eat candy! Then she played in the bouncy room. Here are some pics............

After our fun day out, we got home and had dinner. Then we played Uno Attack! I kicked HER butt on that. We had fun though. We got addicted to it and played for about 1 1/2 hours.

Then she took a bath and we went to bed.

Sunday:

Got up and took Kayla back to her moms and headed to Reach for my bloodwork and Ultra sound. My largest follicle was 13mm. Not nearly big enough. They need to be 22-24mm. The dr thought maybe I alread ovulated, however, I informed him that I don't normally ovulate until CD18-24, so he said looks like that's when it's going to happen again. So, now I'm waiting for them to call me to give me my next step. They have to check my bloodwork and then I"m assuming they'll send me for another ultra sound this week sometime.

So, it was basically a big waste of time.

Now I'm home doing laundry and waiting for Russ to come home. His plane gets in around 8:30pm and then he has about an hour drive home. So, I won't see him until late:(

Well, that's it for now!

I'll try to update more often. It's just been so busy, I haven't had much time.